


The Greatest Kapkan trap

by DonutzDeath



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Drunkenness, Fun, Other, Trapped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 09:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16282319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonutzDeath/pseuds/DonutzDeath
Summary: Its been a long overdue vacation for the spetsnaz team and Kapkan has plans for them all with or without the incoming blizzard.





	The Greatest Kapkan trap

**Author's Note:**

  * For [omnisan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/omnisan/gifts).



Yet another blistering cold day in Russia. Snow flaring outside the window into the distance blurring out any recognizable scenery. 

“You want us to do WHAT?!” Tachanka blurted out in anger towards Kapkan

“Its been awhile since all of us were together, lets go have a drink.” 

“Maybe its my helmet or MAYBE IT'S THE RUSSIAN BLIZZARD OUTSIDE BUT YOU CAN’T SEE SHIT!” 

Tachanka getting heated at the stupidity of Kapkan wanting to gather the team and go out to a local bar just a few km away.

“can…..you…..guys…..be…..quiet….for ….one hour…..” The sleepy Glaz rolling out of his hammock

“Talk some sense into him Glaz, Kapkan wants all of us to go to the bar” 

“Calm down Tachanka, Kapkan why do you want to go to the bar now its a white out?”

Kapkan sighs, “Its been forever since all of us have been off and home after joining rainbow six, so lets go be comrades like we use to.”

Glaz trying to be clever, “Fuze instead of just sitting there shopping in your Bombs-r-Us magazine why don’t you decide for us.”

Fuze looking up, pauses, slowly closes his magazine and just shoots his hand right up giving the thumbs up and shouts. “SHOTGUN ON DRIVING!”

Glaz shocked at how Fuze blatantly disregards the weather to go drink didn’t even know that Tachanka jumped out the window to escape Fuze’s driving.

Several hours later on when they finally picked up Tachanka amidst a snow bank he was stuck in, no one could mistake his helmet, a giant metal toad head just protruding from the snow. Finally after rescuing Tachanka they pull up to the nearly empty bar.

“Last one in buys the first round!” Kapkan yelled as he was already jumping out of the car before it even reached a stop.

Tachanka furious as ever, “YOU DIRTY BASTARD!”

Glaz face palming as Tachanka trips out of the car and Fuze just stood there in front of Tachanka face first in the snow.  
“Fuze what do you have there?” Glaz curious as to what Fuze was doing instead of helping Tachanka up.

“Oh this it’s….” trying to explain what it was but dropped it in the snow

 

Searching the snow for what he had in his hand in front of Tachanka Fuze stopped all motion and said, “Another hostage is about to be fuzed.”

Tachanka snaps to, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, HOOOOOOOOOW COULD YOU FART ON MY HELMET! I CAN TASTE IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”

Glaz just stood there like he is the dad of a group of teenage boys, sigh “this is really how tonight's gonna be” as Fuze ran from Tachanka wanting to beat his ass.

Lingering behind savoring the peace he has left before entering the bar and having to deal with the 3 of them even he took 2 steps in til he realized how right he was. Fuze was in a Russian sambo headlock from Tachanka and Kapkan was already set up at the table with a drink for each of them. Walking up to the table Glaz gives Tachanka a boot to metal toad head.

“Lets drink before you guys get us kicked out”

Nodding his head and releasing Fuze they all agreed to put the petty squabbles to the side and brace the night as comrades. Several rounds into the night things started to get rowdy again.

“HEY BARKEEP WHY WE WATCHING THIS? WHERE’S THE BEAR WRESTLING, LETS WATCH SOME WRESTLING BEARS.” Drunk Tachanka ranting about what crap was on the tv.

“SHUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH your…...mouth…..ta...chanky”

“Whyyyyy don’tcha make me Fuze!”

“PINE!” Shouted Fuze kicking out his chair and standing up 

Tachanka grabbed one of the beer bottles declaring, “I'LL CUT YOU LIKE MY LMG CUTS TREES, MANY TRIES BUT IT WILL FALL OVE….!” 

As Fuze just collapsed forward onto the floor from being overly intoxicated.

“WELL FUCK WHILE I'M UP I MAY AS WELL PEE” Tachanka stormed off to the bathroom.

Kapkan sat there laughing his ass off while Glaz sat there sipping on his drink wanting to deny any existence of the others.

Kapkan lit up like a spotlight, “I got an idea! Don’t let Tachanka over here til I am done!” 

“Uhhhhh do I have to?”

“Oh come on stop being such a grumpy old man Glaz!”

“Kapkan I'M THE YOUNGEST ONE ON THE TEAM WHAT THE HELL! But WHATEVER I am gonna just go see what is taking him so long.”

Approaching the bathroom Glaz could already feel the regret in doing so….opening the door to just pure shame,Tachanka stood there in front of the urinal.

“Ta...chanka...what are you doing?”

“L M G MOUNTED AND LOADED!” Screamed the drunk as fuck Tachanka as he finally started to pee.

“Tachanka take off your helmet YOU ARE PEEING ALL OVER YOURSELF!” 

In a spurt of panic Tachanka peed even more on himself before taking his helmet off. Glaz just turns and walks out of the bathroom waiting for Tachanka to come out and his disaster to end. What felt like 10 years waiting for him, he finally emerged...helmet less. On the way back to the table they could see Kapkan just sitting there and a cloth over something on the table.

“Oh god Tachanka this isn't Halloween put your helmet back on!” Kapkan cracked at him

What sat back down wasn't Tachanka, it was a broken man.

“MY HELMET…..ITS GONE…..” 

Quick thinking Glaz remembered he saw some cardboard boxes near the bathroom and was gonna make him a new helmet to prevent the water works of a sobbing Tachanka. 

“Here you go Tachanka a new helmet”

“MY….HELMET?!”

“Wait its not done yet” 

Kapkan got a marker and drew a mouth looking like it was sucking on a penis.  
“OK NOW ITS DONE! And I got you a surprise, can you guess what it is Tachanka!?”

“OOOOOHHHHHHHHH IS IT A NEW LMG?”

Glaz just sat there chugging his drink at this point watching some back ass wards Russian drunk-mas taking place.

“Close”

As Kapkan waved his hands towards the cloth 

“YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND!”

Unveiling a big bottle of the finest vodka they had at the bar with googly eyes on it.

“ITS SPICY RUSSIAN WATER GIRLFRIEND!!! I SHALL CONSUMES YOU!”

You never seen any child, no anyone ever as excited as a drunk Tachanka getting more vodka.

Glaz interjecting to drinking the vodka, “why don’t we take it home with us and you can sleep with her too Tachanka?”

“NO!......TIM I DON'T WANNA”

“Tachanka, I told you many times my name isn’t time”

“TIMMMMmmmmmyyy…..?

“No…..”

“TOOOOOOOMUR…...Tuuuuummmmmoooor? YES, TUMOR!”

“GOD DAMN IT ALEXSANDR, MY NAME IS TIMUR!”

“NO I AM ALIXSANDY”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD, LETS JUST LEAVE”

Glaz stuck with throwing Fuze’s limp ass over his shoulder and carry him to the car. 

“Kapkan open the door to outside”

“Fineeeee”  
The door resisted swaying open, but what greeted Glaz and the comrades was what he feared most…..MORE SNOW!

“FUCK WELL FINE I GUESS WE JUST GONNA STAY AT THIS BAR TIL IT PASSES”

Kapkan snickering 

“Why are you being so sinister Kapkan?”

 

“Hehehehehehehe WELLLLL I FINALLY GOT A FULL NIGHT OF DRINKING OUT OF YOU GUYS AND GUESS WHO IS PAYING!”

Kapkan pulled out a wallet showing whose id was inside…..Fuze was the lucky winner for this hell bent night of drunken buffoonery.


End file.
